Upcoming
December 31
January 2
Cargo 200
January 7
Silent Light
January 9
How About You
Yonkers Joe
January 16
Cherry Blossoms
January 21
Of Time and the City
Oppressive laughter
I was writing at a table in a sports bar last night, and there was a group of five sitting nearby -- four guys and a lady -- who couldn't stop laughing uproariously. Every time they burst out laughing it felt like someone had exploded an aural fart grenade...."hah-hah-hah-hahhhh!" After a while I got out my watch and started timing their frequency -- no lie, the boisterous noise happened about once every 75 or 80 seconds.
Everybody explodes in laughter from time to time -- it's wonderful when this happens. But people who do it repeatedly and oppressively in a crowded room are, no offense, animals. They're the equivalent of a guy who sits down at a communal breakfast table (which I'm sitting at right now at the Star hotel) and loudly slurps down a bowl of Raisin Bran.
Posted by Jeffrey Wells on January 18, 2007 at 9:05 AM
comment #1
NYCBusybody
says ...
It's called alcohol, and people enjoying themselves.
You're not meant to be in a sports bar. Get out.
Posted by NYCBusybody
at January 18, 2007 9:38 AM
comment #2
Joe B.
says ...
"I was writing at a table in a sports bar..."
THAT was your problem. I'm as annoyed as anyone by loud and probably forced/drunken bursts of repeated laughter, but certainly wouldn't be surprised by it in a sports bar.
And would never use one as a place to try and write peacefully.
Posted by Joe B.
at January 18, 2007 9:47 AM
comment #3
ArchiveGuy
says ...
Wow, people enjoying themselves--now we know it's only acceptable on certain, precious terms. Were they in a fancy restaurant? Were they bumping and jostling their neighbors? Were they drunkenly screaming profanities?
No. Billy Joel's not one of my favorites, but he got this right: "We might be laughing a bit too loud. Aw, but that never hurt no-one."
JW needs to CTFO.
Posted by ArchiveGuy
at January 18, 2007 9:49 AM
comment #4
cjKennedy
says ...
That sort of "I'm completely unaware of how I'm impacting everyone else's environment because I'm the center of my own stooge universe" behavior is endlessly aggravating...but you were in a sports bar for chrissakes. That's like wandering into an outhouse and complaining of the smell.
Posted by cjKennedy
at January 18, 2007 9:49 AM
comment #5
storymark
says ...
Most useless post I've read in weeks...
Posted by storymark
at January 18, 2007 9:57 AM
comment #6
OddDuck
says ...
I generally agree with the feedback so far. But in Wells's defense, we all know the type of people he's talking about here, and plenty of them act the same exact way regardless of venue, be it a sports bar, starbucks, wherever.
Posted by OddDuck
at January 18, 2007 10:19 AM
comment #7
JD
says ...
Look what I found this on some Park City guy's blog:
"I was in this sports bar with some friends last night, having some beers and yucking it up after a long day at work. Unfortunately, this disgruntled dude with a press pass and a laptop was giving us dirty looks and timing our laughter. I kinda feel sorry for him. Why the hell was he writing in a sports bar anyway?"
Posted by JD
at January 18, 2007 10:24 AM
comment #8
OddDuck
says ...
JD, that's awesome!!!!!
Posted by OddDuck
at January 18, 2007 10:26 AM
comment #9
Walter Sobchak
says ...
Egads! My smelling salts, please! I think I shall faint. (and, as if that weren't enough, several of them were over-weight!)
Posted by Walter Sobchak
at January 18, 2007 10:56 AM
comment #10
NYCBusybody
says ...
I'm as annoyed as the next person by inappropriately loud or boisterous people in certain settings: a nice restaurant, supermarket, movie theater, etc.
But a sports bar?? How insular a life can one lead to be annoyed by people, and time their laughter, in a sports bar?
One suspects, not with certainty but with near-assurance, that Jeff has carefully and purposefully removed interaction with working-class people from his entire life.
Posted by NYCBusybody
at January 18, 2007 11:03 AM
comment #11
CambridgeCat
says ...
Bastards! Were they watching sports too?
I hate people like that.
Posted by CambridgeCat
at January 18, 2007 11:07 AM
comment #12
sweet_billy
says ...
fuck, if i were ina sports bar and some turd was at the table next to me writing and using a laptop, i'd be obnoxious too.
SPORTS bar, wells. jesus, you can be a dolt.
Posted by sweet_billy
at January 18, 2007 11:19 AM
comment #13
sweet_billy
says ...
fuck, if i were in a sports bar and some turd was at the table next to me writing and using a laptop, i'd be obnoxious too.
SPORTS bar, wells. jesus, you can be a dolt.
Posted by sweet_billy
at January 18, 2007 11:20 AM
comment #14
christian
says ...
you were being disturbed by laughter while writing in a sports bar?
hmmm. unusual.
try hooters instead. or chuckie cheese. i'm sure mcdonald's would be more serene.or a VA hall.
are the coffeeshops that full?
Posted by christian
at January 18, 2007 11:25 AM
comment #15
Wrecktum
says ...
Boy the way Glenn Miller played.
Songs that made the Hit Parade.
Guys like us we had it made.
Those were the days.
Posted by Wrecktum
at January 18, 2007 11:27 AM
comment #16
Midwest Doug
says ...
Now shooting in Park City, UT -- a modern adaptation of Moliere's "The Misanthrope", starring the intrepid Jeffrey Wells.
Posted by Midwest Doug
at January 18, 2007 11:35 AM
comment #17
jayRPCA
says ...
I bet it was a group of those pesky "Red Staters" you're always going on and on about JW!
Just out of curiosity, do you yell at kids when they're on your lawn?
Posted by jayRPCA
at January 18, 2007 11:39 AM
comment #18
T. S. Idiot
says ...
It's WellsWorld, people. We are but figments of his agitation.
Posted by T. S. Idiot
at January 18, 2007 11:45 AM
comment #19
christian
says ...
jeff, your number one sundance priority:
get laid.
you'll feel a tad more benevolent.
Posted by christian
at January 18, 2007 11:47 AM
comment #20
ArchiveGuy
says ...
Just so long as she's not too noisy about it...
Posted by ArchiveGuy
at January 18, 2007 12:15 PM
comment #21
Gabriel
says ...
I love these anti-seratonin posts that Wells cranks out every once in a while. They're hilariously snarky in the first place, and they always incite a rash of funny feedback.
Posted by Gabriel
at January 18, 2007 12:56 PM
comment #22
The Movie Man
says ...
I'm just stunned that Jeff used the word "fart" in a post.
Posted by The Movie Man
at January 18, 2007 1:03 PM
comment #23
nola
says ...
this post and the comments are hilarious.
Posted by nola
at January 18, 2007 1:30 PM
comment #24
bmcintire
says ...
My favorite line: "But people who do it repeatedly and oppressively in a crowded room are, no offense, animals." No offense? To whom exactly was he addressing that particular caveat? Statements thrown around in such a manner, especially when hurled at a group of people who are clearly (if not innocently) enjoying themsleves, generally come from, no offense, assholes.
Posted by bmcintire
at January 18, 2007 1:36 PM
comment #25
damfino
says ...
These comments are killing me!
Wells - quit being a jackass.
Posted by damfino
at January 18, 2007 1:42 PM
comment #26
Alan Cerny
says ...
Why, back in my day, if you wanted to laugh, you had to be holding the tribal laughing stick. Otherwise, you just sat there and grunted.
Now get the fuck off my lawn.
Posted by Alan Cerny
at January 18, 2007 2:01 PM
comment #27
jeffmcm
says ...
So how does Wells not qualify as 'old media'?
Posted by jeffmcm
at January 18, 2007 2:03 PM
comment #28
JD
says ...
I can't wait for the day that the maestro of passive aggressiveness Jeffrey Wells goes all Dirty Harry and starts inflicting vigilante, new media justice on these damn... laughing people. I'd much rather read this kind of post if it concluded with Jeff smashing bottles -- or, better yet, his laptop -- over these egregiously good-humored people's heads.
Posted by JD
at January 18, 2007 2:12 PM
comment #29
Ian Sinclair
says ...
It might hve been worse, Jeff. They might have been hobbits.
Posted by Ian Sinclair
at January 18, 2007 2:23 PM
comment #30
gruver1
says ...
Wells to JD: That's pretty funny.
Posted by gruver1
at January 18, 2007 2:26 PM
comment #31
Argen
says ...
Aw, it's all been funny, Jeffy. You're not a regular guy. Just a tired old crank.
Posted by Argen
at January 18, 2007 3:03 PM
comment #32
gruver1
says ...
Wells to Argen: If you and all the other readers calling me a crank -- a very easy thing to do! -- had been in that sports bar with me last night, you would have been just as pissed and turned off as I was. It's no fun -- it's NEVER been any fun -- to share any space with uncouth beer-head lowlifes. I am more mpudent and fuck-all irreverent than a lot of people I know, and I know one thing -- last night's laughers were (and probably still are) not the sort of people who would have been a hit with the Bloomsbury clique back in the 20s. Life is short. Don't hang back with the brutes.
Posted by gruver1
at January 18, 2007 3:32 PM
comment #33
Argen
says ...
I avoid the brutes and the snobs. It always makes me happy and the conversations are always more interesting and never boring or pretentious.
Aside from that, I avoid sports bars because I don't want to be around people that find sports interesting. If I voluntarily went to one and then complained about the people there, I would kick myself for being pointless. It's like jabbing a fork in your eye and then bitching about the discomfort.
So, I'll take the slightly less easy route and call you a masochistic crank. But, then, you needed to fill your "seemingly pointless rant about something completely inconsequential" quota for the day so it's understandable to a certain point.
Posted by Argen
at January 18, 2007 3:42 PM
comment #34
T. S. Idiot
says ...
JD: If these people had been fat and bald in addition to loud, you would probably have gotten your wish about Wells' eruption of violence.
Posted by T. S. Idiot
at January 18, 2007 4:28 PM
comment #35
fnt
says ...
"It's no fun -- it's NEVER been any fun -- to share any space with uncouth beer-head lowlifes."
And this is why I don't go to sports bars.
Next we'll hear about how Jeff was in a music store and they kept playing loud music.
Posted by fnt
at January 18, 2007 4:56 PM
comment #36
dobbsy
says ...
Am I the only one who's noticed that argen is a peppy young crank?
I can almost see all of the still-wrapped action figures on the shelves of his parents' den where he posts his sparky lamentations against the adult world. I will say this however, his adolescent personality development issues are still more interesting than babel, LMS and COM.
Posted by dobbsy
at January 18, 2007 5:01 PM
comment #37
jeffmcm
says ...
Better this than a photo of the couch Wells is sleeping on, the puddle he stepped in, half of a sandwich he got tired of eating...
Posted by jeffmcm
at January 18, 2007 5:02 PM
comment #38
Argen
says ...
Gee, dobbsy, if my parents were still alive, maybe I'd get the option of living in their den. No such luck that. Nope. Actually out and working in the biz. Weird but true.
And the two action figures I own are proudly unwrapped, thank you.
Posted by Argen
at January 18, 2007 5:07 PM
comment #39
dre
says ...
Hello, my name is Andre and this is my first meeting. I'd like to say I am both a movie fan and a sports fan. I know it's a problem, I know I should hate lunkhead jocks and pansy-ass cultured-types, and I'm working on it. (sigh) ... i don't know what's wrong with me.
Posted by dre
at January 18, 2007 5:10 PM
comment #40
Ju-osh
says ...
I've been to that speak-easy, too, Jeff.
They have a wall covered in flat screen tvs, but not a single player piano. They boast a "killer" "cosmo" (wtf is that?!), but they look at you sideways when you order a chocolate eggcream. The negr-- er, blings are all over the joint, except there aint a single one in the washroom ready to hand you a towel when the morning's Bran Chex finally kick in.
I'm getting the hell out of Sundance as soon as I've seen that movie about the cowpoke who loves his horse. It's about time they started making movies the way Roy Rogers used to.
Posted by Ju-osh
at January 18, 2007 6:05 PM
comment #41
Mgmax
says ...
"I know one thing -- last night's laughers were (and probably still are) not the sort of people who would have been a hit with the Bloomsbury clique back in the 20s."
I said that to some guys in a sprts bar the other night. Actually what I said was, "Gentlemen, please! Lytton Strachey would not approve in the least!"
It shut them right up, let me tell you. You could see the shame in their eyes.
Posted by Mgmax
at January 18, 2007 6:10 PM
comment #42
christian
says ...
i picture ignatuis reilly in the same sports bar in new orleans, delivering brutal invectives at the NASCAR fans...
Posted by christian
at January 18, 2007 6:15 PM
comment #43
MilkMan
says ...
NYCBusybody:
It's called a blog, and people venting themselves.
You are not meant to read a blog. Get out.
Posted by MilkMan
at January 18, 2007 6:18 PM
comment #44
T. S. Idiot
says ...
Mgmax's comment is the first I've laughed out loud at on this blog. Wait. I forgot. I actually haven't laughed since Nov. 2000.
Posted by T. S. Idiot
at January 18, 2007 7:46 PM
comment #45
LuckyWilbury
says ...
Can we get serious here for a second, people?
I need to know if those sports bar yuksters are Red Staters or
Blue Staters, and whether they think Factory Girl is gonna get
jobbed for an Oscar nom on Tuesday.
Posted by LuckyWilbury
at January 18, 2007 7:59 PM
comment #46
christian
says ...
they were red staters laughing at the hipster writing on his laptop in a sports bar...
Posted by christian
at January 18, 2007 8:00 PM
comment #47
sandekat
says ...
MilkMan, it's called a blog, and you can't keep people out. You can huff and you can puff, and still they post...whatever they want. Almost as irritating as 'Loud Laughing Sports Bar Animals'...you and Jeff should start a club....oh wait.....
Posted by sandekat
at January 18, 2007 8:30 PM
comment #48
dobbsy
says ...
For those keeping track of such things: a few days ago, Jeffie committed character assassination on Carlo Ponti, a guy who produced around a dozen pictures that were better than anything to ever tinkle down the leg of a Sundance hipster and virtually nobody had virtually nada to say to say in poor Carlo's defense.
"Aural fart grenade," however, is up to around 50 posts.
This is why we are in Iraq.
Posted by dobbsy
at January 18, 2007 8:54 PM
comment #49
christian
says ...
well, that's a bit of a stretch. altho it might as well have been a reason:
"my fellow americans, saddam hussein has WMD's of a nuklyar nature and jeff wells will launch a premptive smear on carlo ponti when he dies. so...we're going to iraq."
Posted by christian
at January 18, 2007 8:59 PM
comment #50
Argen
says ...
dobbsy, my man! Back with the insightful comments!
So do they have to close down the Behavioral Science Department at Quantico while you're posting on HE or have they hooked you up with one of those new psych-links so you can aid them in their work while enlightening the masses? You're starting to work on some kind of crazy genius level that I'm worried we'll all be reduced to using some primitive clicking tongue language in comparison to your blinding intellect.
Posted by Argen
at January 18, 2007 9:31 PM
comment #51
gruver1
says ...
Wells to Mgmax: The single funniest post I have read on HE...
Posted by gruver1
at January 18, 2007 9:59 PM
comment #52
hiviper
says ...
nice troll, jeff
52 comments and counting....
Posted by hiviper
at January 18, 2007 10:44 PM
comment #53
NYCBusybody
says ...
See, the problem isn't necessarily that Wells *likes* the Bloomsbury group, and thus is antagonistic to anyone who doesn't give a fuck about Euro-wit of that sort. That's fair enough - I'm antagonistic to hipsters simply based on who they are, so I don't have a different all-inclusive Obama-like principle, just a different side in the battle.
The PROBLEM is that Wells seems to think he IS some sort of Bloomsbury wit, when he's really just a mezzo-mezzo movie columnist. A pretty good one, mind you - this isn't a slag-off. I've read him for a long time; he's a good, solid, enjoyable writer. But come on. He's a better-than-mediocre movie writer from Jersey, with aspirations to snobbiness that he just can't really achieve. Idealization of some form of European intellectual snobbery, when he's really just a guy who, more or less, updates us on Brandon Routh's career and tells us why he likes "Becket": that forms a classic pattern of self-hatred that manifests in undue hatred of others.
Point being, I would take his Bloomsbury crusade more seriously if he...actually was a major wit. He's not H.L. Mencken, he's just an old crag with an online movie column in a sports bar in Utah.
Posted by NYCBusybody
at January 19, 2007 7:23 AM
comment #54
Rich S.
says ...
This post reminds me of Woody Allen's wife in Annie Hall trying to get him out of the bedroom at the party where he's watching the Knicks. All that's missing is the rant about "pituitary cases."
Posted by Rich S.
at January 19, 2007 8:25 AM
comment #55
dobbsy
says ...
Correction:
Argen is why we are in Iraq!
Or is it why we are in a sports bar in Utah?
Or is it why nobody knows who Carlo Ponti is?
I have to go now and watch "The Monthly Visitor" by Marisa Silver...
(yes, i'm just trying to drive up the post count on "aural fart grenade" to see if i can move the needle on google.)
Posted by dobbsy
at January 19, 2007 11:54 AM
comment #56
cjKennedy
says ...
I'm going to see Aural Fart Grenade tonight at The Troubadour. They're opening for Fisty McLure and the Douchetones. Can't wait.
Posted by cjKennedy
at January 19, 2007 12:02 PM
comment #57
rocco
says ...
What a miserable c*nt...I don't know why people continue to get upset with Jeff...I used to find his elitist, misogynistic, bigoted remarks exasperating enough to drive me away from this site for months at a time...finally I realized no one in the industry takes HE seriously, why should I? Let Jeff rant and rave to the disservice of his livelihood all he bloody wants...
Posted by rocco
at January 19, 2007 1:42 PM
comment #58
OddDuck
says ...
"What a miserable c*nt..."
Wow, C. Fontana, was that really necessary, and did it bear any semblance of proportionality to the topic and tenor of this thread?
Posted by OddDuck
at January 19, 2007 3:18 PM
comment #59
anti-sardine
says ...
Great thread!
By my count:
2 sports-bar related rants by Jeff.
14 panties in a twist, give or take a few.
4 or 5 obscure references.
Multiple attacks by two posters engaged in a keyboard based jihad.
Numerous hilarious responses to original rant,
and a high comment count normally reserved for oscar-baiting or political slap fights.
This, ladies & gentlemen, is why we have the internet.
Now I'm off to the local sports bar to scream out scenes from select Ingmar Bergman films at the top of my lungs. Let's see how those assholes like it!
Posted by anti-sardine
at January 19, 2007 6:48 PM
comment #60
CambridgeCat
says ...
Btw, does this mean you're not coming over to watch the Pats/Colts game???
Posted by CambridgeCat
at January 20, 2007 12:04 PM
Post a comment